Praise Nigel and Pass the Pomegranate

I have a fascination for world religions even I don't understand.

Ever since the third grade when Jessica Whats-her-Name in her green Izod sweater was strong-armed by the evil (and most likely alien) Mrs. MacVane into talking about being Jewish and what Hanukkah was all about, I have been hooked.

No Christmas?? What??? Hell, my parents are atheist hippies but we still had Christmas!!!

What means this word Jewish? Are there more people like that who have no concept of a chimney and how it relates to a squalling brat in a barn somewhere in a place with no snow? I needed to know. There was a shift in my whole concept of the world and now I required data to balance the scales again.

Since then, I have had a sense of wonder about what humans believe, why they believe it, and how that belief system came to be. In short, I am intrigued by what each culture has in its Rule Book. (The Koran, The Bible, The Talmud, and for some...the Hobbit. These are all Rule Books.)


My Encyclopedia of World Religions is more tattered and battered than the vintage copy of the Betty Crocker Cookbook my grandmother gave me as a wedding present and I try to peruse it without judgement. After all, my belief system is based on no other tenet than "It seems to work for me."

When the universe communicates with me it's wearing tattered jeans, a CBGB t-shirt and it speaks with a voice not unlike Anthony Bourdain. Some people may find that alarming and I don't blame them. I'm a little unnerved myself.
Back to the book. The encyclopedia is three inches of history and facts and in my estimation it could probably be summed up in a brochure to be printed and included in the "Welcome to Earth - Please Don't Eat Us" packet the President has in his Emergency Flying Saucer Kit.
We are all colors of the rainbow and instruments in the symphony, but there are basic rules in every Rule Book that are all the same. It's my position that that's how things started until we humans decided we needed to have clubhouses and rules to keep the Starbellies in and the None-Upon-Thars (The Nuts) out.
Yes, humans evolved somewhere along the line into creatures that not only need food, water, air, and light, but we have developed lobes in our brains to meter our level of "feeling special". Oh, wait. According the rule books that part of our brains was not evolution, it was a gift from....(This is the part where I come up with a snazzy acronym for the God /Allah /Jehovah /Spaghettimonster /Tree Goddess /Rockpile that would make everyone happy. Instead, I think I'll just call it Nigel because I like how hard Nigel is to rhyme in a hymn without making it sound like a wet sneeze.)
Anyway...
The Basic Concepts of Religion As I See Them:

1. Be Nice
The Do's and Don'ts are delivered quite clearly very early on in every one's Rule Book. Like the first day of summer camp, Nigel spells it all out in the hopes that each camper will take it to heart.
Be Nice.
It's really as simple as that. With the enormously useful brain Nigel gave us should be able to handle that. But....we aren't. Each Rule Book has had to become a No Human Left Behind Manual that teaches to every one's learning style. Songs, stories, object lessons, word problems, chem labs, it's all in there because we couldn't get the basic first rule. Be Nice.
2. Identify and Exclude the Nuts.
Every rule book has at least a chapter, sometimes entire volumes relating to indentifying the Nuts. That can be boiled down just as simply as "Be Nice" and in just as many words.
You're Wrong or it's natural twin- We're Right.
You're Wrong and We're Right are the Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee of human belief systems. Except instead of a nice new rattle, entire geographic regions have been spoiled when You're Wrong and We're Right resolved to have a battle.
3. Consult the Menu
Every belief system comes with its own menu. Please consult your personal Nigel for today's offerings. A word of caution for those of you who might consider sampling from the menus of other belief systems - Kosher for Passover Cheese Ravioli tastes exactly like you would expect it to.
4. Wear Your Best
Each belief system has its own wardrobe of clothing for worship and ceremonies. Sometimes, this extends to special headgear as well. The standard rule appears to be that you should don your best glad rags when visiting Nigel's house or when you expect Nigel to visit yours. According to some Rule Books, you should be prepared for a surprise visit at any time, but if Nigel's going to knock you up at 3 am, then your pink poodle pajamas are the least of your worries.
Apparently, prayer is more like making a phone call, in which you can be as dressed or undressed as you like and I've even heard of cases where someone else's state of dress has resulted in fervent prayer on the part of the observer. This is hearsay, mind you. I can neither confirm, nor deny.
5. Suspension of Disbelief
The one thing you have to remember when reading the Rule Books is that Nigel used to do some really cool space/time bending tricks. Hundreds of people were fed on a couple of sardines and a bagel. People woke up after being very, very asleep. Nigel landscaped like no one's business, and in the blink of an eye.
It's probably good he doesn't really do that kind of major universe manipulation anymore and sticks to saving newborns caught in tornadoes and making sure footballs get to the end zones. I don't think we'd appreciate the magnitude of the miracles, if he did.

"Anthony Bourdain! The water's turned to wine again! I had a load of whites in, Nigel dammit!" You see what I mean.
So that's really it.
Be Nice.
Identify and Exclude the Nuts.
Consult the Menu
Wear Your Best
Expect Weird Things to Happen.
It really doesn't get any more complicated than that if you boil it all down to stock. At least, it doesn't for me. Your Nigel may vary.