What's worse than a root canal?

TWO root canals. Thankfully, I only had to have one.

Apparently, when life is already at the peak of anxiety producing events, the mere thought of a root canal will push you over the edge. I could feel it coming when I was sitting in the waiting room watching The View, a 1/2 hour past my appointment time and trying in vain to ignore the whine of the drill on someone else.

The office lady checked in with me to ask me how I was doing..."Umm..okay I guess. A little freaked out." I could feel my heart rate rising and said "You know...this might be everyday stuff to you guys, but I promise I won't tell you you're condescending to me if you all treat me like I'm five. Really...I won't."

The assistant finally called me in and I took one look at all the instruments and vials laid out and I lost it. I sat there in the chair...37 year old me...and started crying. She was very nice, but a little misguided..."Oh...it's not that bad...just imagine yourself on a beach. With one of those little umber-ella drinks."

On a beach. So...root canals can be conquered by the thought of sunburn and sand up my ass! Why didn't I think of that?? And as far as Umber Ella drinks, I'm not sure who Umber Ella is, but if she's not sharing, I don't want to hear it.

Then the dentist comes in, sees that I'm crying, and delivers the same strategy. "Imagine you're on a beach....like in Jamaica!" and then as an aside. "I've never been to Jamaica, but I hear it's nice."

Wait....If you've never been to Jamaica, then how to you know that it's not just a tropical version of the movie SAW or... or...like a dread-lock version of a visit with my Rebublican, Christian-Right relatives? *sigh* No time to ponder that because out comes the needle, which I'm pretty sure is the same size they use to innoculate elephants.

"You're going to feel some heavy pressure..." she says. Um...no...heavy pressure is when my cat lays on my back in the middle of the night. That's pain, honey...and telling me to breathe through my nose and not hold my breath is all well and good when you're on the other side of that bad boy. Feel free to inhale and exhale to your hearts content. I'm going to hold my breath and hope that that stuff works fast or that holding my breath will make me pass out. Either way, I'm golden.

At last, the entire left side of my face (and probably portions of my frontal lobe) are comfortably numb. This is good....this isn't so bad, I say to myself as she attaches some sort of tent fly to my mouth, cutting my tongue off from the outside world, and I begin to imagine that the region south of my nose now resembles the Sydney Opera House.

What follows is a rather one sided account as - with some sort of jaw jack holding my mouth open and the latex topsail over my mouth - I couldn't have gotten an intelligble sentence out anyway. So, these are the thoughts I had somewhere between the drill that looked like a mini-dry wall screw and "You're done! Let's rinse that mouth out."

Why yes, that suction hose is a little far back. I'm glad you were able to discern that from my widened eyes, panicky grunts, and gagging.

No, it's not the suction hose again. You're leaning on the jaw jack. I don't have a cleft palate, but I will if you keep it up.

An Ipod! What a great suggestion! I will certainly remember to bring it next time.

I don't have to sneeze. I don't have to sneeze. I don't have to sneeze.

You want me to go ahead and pull that chin hair while I'm down here? No really...it's the least I can do.

Antibiotic? No........you didn't. Wonderful. I'm going to get brain rot now, aren't I?

Define "okay".

I think you've reached my cerebellum! Nice job. Do me a favor...if you're going in...map it for me would you? Ta!

Thanks for the charming anecdote about the patient who requires three shots of bourbon before he gets his teeth worked on. That's comforting.

Wait...is that what a human being on fire smells like? If so, irrigation would be perfect right about now.

Umm....your sleeve is in my face. In my face. Your sleeve. Sleeve!! Face!!!! POSSIBLE SNEEZE HAZARD!! helllooooooo???? I'm okay with the sneeze, but are you prepared for what happens when the latex thingie snaps back!!???

So...a full two and a half hours after my original appointment time ended, I was drained, packed, sealed and ready to roll out of there. Now, it wasn't as bad as I had originally psyched myself up for, but it still rates on the list of things that are H. U.F (highly un-fun) like...child birth, staff meetings, and the rare occasion when a panty liner shifts and exposes the adhesive.

I forget what the next round of this dental drama is called, but I hear tell I'm getting stitches.

Anyone know Umber Ella's number?